well...

sorry its been so long since updating! but its been a rough couple of weeks/ month! its actually really hard for me to write this, since Im more of a private person, but I think it helps to let it out too.
 I had found out that I was expecting in October and it was a complete surprise to us!! we had actually just talked about stopping at three, but of course we welcomed this with opened arms, as any gift from above is a blessing! I actually had to take 4 HPT because the first two came out negative so I thought I was ok, but since aunt flow never showed, I decided to take another one and that one came up positive and of course to double check I took another one after that, and surprise positive again!

I had called my ob to make my appointment but unfortunately ended up in their office before then, due to some cramping and light bleeding, of course I was nervous but at the same time I didn't think too much of it, because I know sometimes that can be normal, well when I went to the doctors they told me that the baby wasn't measuring according to my LMP date so they thought I was probably off, but they decided to check me every week to see some process; even an ultrasound to make sure that it wasn't an eptopic pregnancy. Luckily it wasn't an eptopic and the baby seemed to be making some process until the 7th week when I started bleeding more and they noticed that the baby didn't have a hb.

I was devastated and so upset by the news, I couldn't believe that this had happened. I was so scared because they had told me to get a DnC and I had never gone through that! I went home trying to stay strong and not cry in front of the kids (luckily we hadn't told them  about the pregnancy ;or anyone really) With each pregnancy of mine I have always been cautious and aware that anything could happen and I had always told myself that if that was the case then there are no real reason why it happens but that it does happen to a lot. Well all those thoughts went out the window for me because as strong as I tried to stay, I couldn't stop crying and being so upset about it, but at the same time felt like I couldn't show my emotions because I had to be strong in front of the kids. I went on with my daily routines,but not showing or dealing with this led to so much anxiety and stress! I never realized how hard this would be!

It was definitely a hard month but Im at peace with this and  grateful for everything that God does for me and my family, specially my three little blessings that I have with me.